Letter to My Parents

When I went away to college, you left me.

I didn’t choose the school you wanted, so you left me out to dry.

My first month in school, you sent me a bill for $1200. You wanted me to repay you for the computer and supplies that you had bought me. I felt hurt. I saw my roommates and the relationship that they had with their doting parents.

Many times, I felt alone. I longed for you guys to call me or to ask how I was doing. The calls I received were often of you guys yelling or screaming at me. You only called me to criticize me and make assumptions.

You didn’t know me. I was much smarter than the average 17 year old. The fact that I supporting myself and had a scholarship, should have made you realize that. Still, you called me abusive names. I was a whore. I was a failure. I was unappreciative.

Oh…How I hated you.

Why couldn’t you be like the other parents? When you gave me $20 for groceries you belittled me and told me that I should be grateful that I was getting anything.

Meanwhile, I watched as you bought new bedroom sets for my two younger sisters, as well as a living room set. I didn’t matter and you never came to visit, but you sure were quick to stomp on me if I didn’t visit you.

Despite the changes you guys have made, I still feel hurt. I still feel upset and I wish that things could’ve turned out differently. I was never good enough and no matter what I was always a ‘follower’ in your eyes. I would never be good enough and in the end that was all you ever wanted to teach me.

I hurt so much. I wanted to love you. I thought that my leaving would be a great start. I had such high hopes for myself. I look back at the person I was and all I see is a stranger. Everything is a blur. I feel like it was all a dream. I was so motivated. I had a zest for life and a thirst for adventure. I am a shell of my former self and I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Mission accomplished…

I feel like a failure. I dropped out of school and worked at a restaurant for a year, taking customer abuse, before I married. Although, I lived an exciting life in a foreign country after my marriage, I still felt hollow inside.

Here I am…with a house, two new cars, a loving husband, and a dog. I’m living the American Dream. Only, I don’t feel like I’m living. Are you happy that you’ve accomplished your mission? You wanted to make me strong, independent, and all you ever did was beat me down and tell me that I would never be good enough. How could you do that to your own child? How could you hurt me like that?

To this day, I have yet to hear the “I Love Yous” that I always worked for. Should a child really have to work for affection? I’m still working for those “I Love Yous”…but, when it comes from other people, it doesn’t feel much like a victory. I want to hear it from YOU. I want to hear those words reciprocated when I end a conversation with you over the phone.

Don’t you realize how short life is? I’m not sure how much more time we’ll have left to talk. I’m not sure how much time you guys will have left and it’s really sad that things are this way. I Love You. I Love You both. Even if I never hear those words come straight from your mouths, I still love you no matter how much this love has to hurt and I still have faith in you guys. I have faith that it wasn’t your intention to hurt me so much. But, that’s why I’m writing you this letter. Even though you’ll never read it, I still love you and I believe that things can change…

Loving You Always,

U.M.