The Sky is Starting to Open Up ♥

I’m starting to feel a lot better these days. My doctor increased the dosage of my medication and I’m starting to see the effects on my mood.

So often when I was depressed, thoughts of suicide would pop into my mind. But, I knew it was my depression that was making me feel that way and not my destiny. My faith in Christ and my past experiences with depression, left me with a sense of hope. I knew that things would get better.

I still haven’t gone back to work. I still have a messy laundry room. I still have few friends that I can open up to. But, I have hope for better things. I am a better person after getting out of the hospital and I have found a new path in life.

This month has brought about many changes in my outlook on life and my lifestyle. It was only a few months ago, that I was working long hours at a job that I hated. I lived a very sinful lifestyle and didn’t think much about God or my future. It seems so trite. Many times people reach out to God in times of trouble. I have been dealing with my mental illness for a little over 11 years now. I never reached out to God during those times. I thought, “How can I be sure that God loves me when I feel this way. Shouldn’t he be pulling me out of this depression and blessing me with great things such as money and happiness?”

That kind of thinking acts as a toxin. It did in my case, at least. I’ve learned that there will be many dark times. It’s not God’s way of punishing me or abandoning me, but we all have a path that he has ordained for each and every one of us and there will be times when we don’t understand.

I quit my job, went to the psychiatric hospital, and changed my lifestyle all in one month. At first, I felt a new zest for life. I adopted positive thinking and even with all of that positive thinking, I fell into a deep depression. The sun would shine brightly yet, I felt encompassed in darkness.

Things are starting to look up. I feel happier and motivated. My husband, who is in the military, is thinking about training for a new career field. I feel like good things are about to start happening in our lives. We may not become richer, but we will be happier.

For once, I have the desire to start a family. I grew up in a very critical environment and my parents were not the most nurturing. I always had the fear in the back of my mind that I would treat my children the same way that I was treated. I rejected the idea of starting a family. I rejected the idea of nurturing someone else and shaping them with my beliefs and world view.

I am loving life right now. I am loving my life. Even though I am still jobless and tight for money, I am loving my life.

I am loving my life.