What is There to Show?
So, I had a conversation with my father yesterday. I called him to let him know of an upcoming job prospect and at first, I left the conversation feeling motivated. Then, when I sat down and thought about our conversation, I became very upset and today I’m angry.
Here’s how it went:
“So, I will hear back next week if I got the job. I think the interview went really well. She gave me her cell phone number and told me I could call 24 hours a day to let her know if I am thinking about accepting another offer!”
“Well, that’s good. But, I don’t want you to lose sight of things. I don’t want any of my daughters to be dependent on any man. You need to continue your education further and do better, so that you don’t have to be dependent on anyone.”
“I understand where you’re coming from. That’s why I’m looking into other things. I’ll probably even start some night classes.”
“Well, you know how your mom is always bragging about you guys. She’s always saying how you guys went to one of the best schools in asia and telling her friends that it cost $30,000 a year for each of you. But, I mean…what do you guys have to show for it? I mean, I know you guys just bought a house, you have two new cars, but you can do much better.”
I am so upset right now. It seems like he never wants me to be happy or proud of myself. I mean, I just got out of a freakin’ mental institution in July, I quit my job, and I’m already running the streets looking for another one. I just keep hearing those words echo over and over again in my head–”what do you guys have to show for it?” I have plenty to show! Most 23 year olds don’t have a house and two new cars.
I’ve gotten the ‘you can do better’ speech from him all my life. I never got in trouble at school, I was in different clubs, plays, sports, I always got As and Bs, and I even got a scholarship, but none of those things were ever good enough. I could always do better.
I am starting to get fed up! I am almost ready to cease all contact with him. I am so angry! But, I know I won’t be able to do it. My father is almost 50 years old and I don’t know how much time he has left on this earth.
The last thing I would want is to feel like I missed out on a great relationship. But, I am so tired. I am tired of getting beaten down. I am tired of all of the negativity and criticism. I want to be happy! So what if there are people with huge mansions, lots of money, and a page full of credentials? What if that’s not me? So what? I want to be happy. I want to have a job that I enjoy. I want to live my life to the fullest. I mean, this is it. This is it. There is no dress rehearsal. I’m not gonna life my life working hard and being unhappy for other people. If I want to live in a shack, volunteer at a homeless shelter, and I’m happy…so what?
I am so sick of this. I have so much anger inside of me right now. I don’t want to feel angry. I don’t like being angry. I mean…I say all of these things and I’m being rational about it, but it hurts my feelings. I want him to change. I want him to be happy for me and proud of me no matter what. He’s always doubted me and put me down. I feel like if I keep listening to him, I’ll keep reaching for the sky and find nothing.
I was happy yesterday. I am content with my life right now and I have so many bigger things planned. I wish he would learn to focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t. It’s something that I’ve learned to do.
When we first bought our house, we would drive around and I would beat myself up because our house wasn’t as big and pretty as some of the other houses. But, you know what? I’m thankful for what I have. There will always be someone with bigger and better things. Most of those things have been done before. But, there will never be someone like me. Other people may see me and think that I’m ordinary. But, this ordinary girl has peace in her heart and life experiences that others don’t have. I want to look back on my life and know that I have enjoyed it. I want to look back on my life and know that I didn’t work hard, make lots of money, and live sinfully, only to let someone else have those things and squander all of the hard work that I put into it. I want to be happy.
I am so thankful for all of the things that God has given me. I am unique and many ordinary people do extraordinary things. Noah, and ordinary man, saved people from a worldwide flood and David triumphed over Goliath with nothing more than a slingshot and some stones.
The things I may do may not be successes in his eyes, but they are in mine and I own it. I own all of it…proudly.
6 Comments »
Leave a comment
Blogroll
Updates
-
Recent Comments
undertheeverlastinga… on Coming Clean… AngelNicki on I think I can’t… F. on Freedom… Megan on I think I can’t… Jessica on I think I can’t… -
“There will always be someone with bigger and better things. ” So very true. What a great way to look at it! Keep your head up. Only you can define YOU.
You know, I have similar problems with my family. I desperately wanted them to change because their words could be so hurtful. Now I try to just let some of the things they say go in one ear and out the other because I know they are trying to do what they think is best even if they way I perceive it is that they are hurting me or making me really angry. I actually repeat in my head, “in one ear out the other” when they are talking.
I’m glad that you appreciate that you should live your life in the way that makes you happy and not the way someone says that you should live it.
My dearest sis, your post touched me. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. It’s so easy for me to be influenced by other people’s words too. Like if I am feeling happy about a certain issue and someone points something out to me, I get all sad.
But I realised that we can’t please everyone. And we shouldn’t. They aren’t living our lives. We are the one living our lives. I recently got really sick and I realised that without health, nothing is important (except for God of course). So when I wake up without pain, I thank myself so lucky and I’m so happy.
You’re right, you’re 24 and married with someone who is financially stable and able to give you a house that you have made into a home.
Don’t let your old man bother you too much, although I know it’s easier said than done. He just wants to show you off to the world. If I were you I’d jokingly tell him how you feel so that he can understand and decrease these comments with you. Healthy anger is good, because you get to express it rationally with the other person and they understand your perspective on things and hopefully stop what they are doing. Unhealthy anger on the other hand isn’t good for us, because we bottle up our feelings and are in danger of exploding with emotions.
You must have read on my blog the criticisms I always get about my life. Especially about still being single because I’m past the apparent sell-by-date! haha. It gets to me, but I always voice to them that I don’t like their constant nagging, so they decrease it slowly until they stop completely. Talking about it to the other party helps.
I make a list about the good things I have in life. Down to the small things, like just smelling freshly cut grass the other day- thank God for my sense of smell. And how I LOVE COCONUT!!!! IN EVERYTHING!! So thank God for my tastebuds hey!
You’re going to be okay huney, as God says in the Qur’an, wa tawaso bel haq wa tawaso bel sabr.
XX
I really connected with this post. I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I’m not racing just to make ends meet. It feels awkward, though. We just moved into a bigger house this past summer. I have a resonating hunch that what I have is TOO much. I think of the early church when they shared their possessions and I think of people around the world today living in thatch-roof, mud wall, dirt floor housing. I’m very concerned about the gap between where I am and where much of the poor live. Yet, it is too often a struggle to bring myself to the point of actually trying to strip down and shrink the gap. My feelings on the topic led to this post a couple of days ago:
http://gracemark.wordpress.com/2007/09/05/rich-young-ruler/
Your value and worth is found in God. From what I can tell you’ve got the right perspective.
I’m impressed with your clarity. You know what’s right and wrong. You know what’s important. I wonder what would happen if you could find common ground (compassion and courage) to tell your father – what would work in your realtionship – (like you do here: I wish he would learn to focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t. It’s something that I’ve learned to do.) You say it well.
It seems to me – the times I’ve “trained” or “informed” or “drawn boundaries” for people who want to be in relationship with me – they eventually evolve to appreciate that I’ve prescribed what works. Your father won’t disappear forever…he’ll just be upset that he can’t get his kudos from you. He and your mother are wanting to gain acknowledgement for how well they’ve done – by talking about how well you (and your siblings) have done. It’s common. It’s telling. It’s tradgic. I think you’d be doing your parents (*as people*) a favor by telling them to live their lives without leaning on your accomplishing anything (especially on their schedule.) Their work is done.
Like putting a seed in the ground – and nurturing a young tree until it’s “old enough” to survive / even thrive – without a gardener’s attention. Your parents need to realize you’re not a bonsai tree, for their shaping pleasure. You’re a great and unique tree. You are your own. They are done as gardeners. Their role is step back, applaud, believe, trust, pray, and honor the life that courses through you – day by day – decisions by decision.
Stand tall unique tree. Tell your parents to focus on the their own gardens – and to visit yours – when they are truly excited to see you – no matter what is going on in your life. Tell them to love the process of you (the artist) creating your life, and the outcome will take care of itself.
[...] by citizenship, yet I have no place to really call my own. I wrote a post earlier called “What is There to Show?” and I feel like that right now. I don’t talk much about my life, because I’ve [...]
Pingback by Fish Out of Water « Unfilteredme’s Weblog | September 27, 2007