Who am I?

Have you ever felt like you were stuck?

That’s how I’m feeling now.  I have been avoiding things and avoiding people.  I am scared and I don’t know why.  I am keeping myself from doing things for no reason.  I am so scared.  I am coming up on a big change that I wasn’t mentally prepared for far enough in advance.

I knew that I landed the job that I wanted.  I found out last week.  Anyway, they did a background check and today I in-processed on the base and got a 2nd ID card.  Little did I know, today was my first day on the job!  It would have been nice if someone had told me that today was my first day on the job.  I have to go in tomorrow morning and I found out that I’m starting my first, full week on Monday!

I feel stuck.  I mean, I know I’m not, but I want to run away and hide right about now.  I thought I would just say my oath, fill out some paperwork, and be out of there.  I haven’t even gone through the training courses (which don’t start for another month) and they want me there for a full week starting Monday!

I’m a little disappointed.  My husband’s grandmother is turning 89 next month and they are having a huge family reunion in a couple of weeks.  I really wanted to attend the reunion and thought that I would be able to.  I’m scared.  It’s been almost 3 months since I got out of the hospital and quit my other job.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle it and that I’ll get burnt out.  I thought that with the background check and everything the military, certainly, wouldn’t want me working for them.  I didn’t think I’d get the job.  I feel like everything is moving too quickly.  I didn’t realize that I’d be starting work so soon.

On another note, I have been so ill these past couple of weeks.  It’s been hard for me to stand up without feeling like I was about to faint, I couldn’t hold any food down, and I had the worst nausea.  I found at that the symptoms may be stemming from a thyroid condition, so we will see.  I’ve had these same symptoms for three years now and the cause of my symptoms is still a mystery.  I’m tired of tests, scopes, and ultrasounds.  I hope that I can get some more answers, because my symptoms are getting worse every month.

That’s about it for now…  I’ve been avoiding therapy and I have been too lazy to refill my prescriptions.  I need to get my prescriptions!  But, I feel so stuck.  I hope that I don’t spiral back down.  I can’t help but think that I am bringing more harm to myself and loved ones.  I am avoiding everything and everyone and I am bringing harm to myself.  I need to get my act together.  I don’t even feel like myself.  I feel like a different person.