Who am I?
Have you ever felt like you were stuck?
That’s how I’m feeling now. I have been avoiding things and avoiding people. I am scared and I don’t know why. I am keeping myself from doing things for no reason. I am so scared. I am coming up on a big change that I wasn’t mentally prepared for far enough in advance.
I knew that I landed the job that I wanted. I found out last week. Anyway, they did a background check and today I in-processed on the base and got a 2nd ID card. Little did I know, today was my first day on the job! It would have been nice if someone had told me that today was my first day on the job. I have to go in tomorrow morning and I found out that I’m starting my first, full week on Monday!
I feel stuck. I mean, I know I’m not, but I want to run away and hide right about now. I thought I would just say my oath, fill out some paperwork, and be out of there. I haven’t even gone through the training courses (which don’t start for another month) and they want me there for a full week starting Monday!
I’m a little disappointed. My husband’s grandmother is turning 89 next month and they are having a huge family reunion in a couple of weeks. I really wanted to attend the reunion and thought that I would be able to. I’m scared. It’s been almost 3 months since I got out of the hospital and quit my other job. I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle it and that I’ll get burnt out. I thought that with the background check and everything the military, certainly, wouldn’t want me working for them. I didn’t think I’d get the job. I feel like everything is moving too quickly. I didn’t realize that I’d be starting work so soon.
On another note, I have been so ill these past couple of weeks. It’s been hard for me to stand up without feeling like I was about to faint, I couldn’t hold any food down, and I had the worst nausea. I found at that the symptoms may be stemming from a thyroid condition, so we will see. I’ve had these same symptoms for three years now and the cause of my symptoms is still a mystery. I’m tired of tests, scopes, and ultrasounds. I hope that I can get some more answers, because my symptoms are getting worse every month.
That’s about it for now… I’ve been avoiding therapy and I have been too lazy to refill my prescriptions. I need to get my prescriptions! But, I feel so stuck. I hope that I don’t spiral back down. I can’t help but think that I am bringing more harm to myself and loved ones. I am avoiding everything and everyone and I am bringing harm to myself. I need to get my act together. I don’t even feel like myself. I feel like a different person.
I wish there was something I could say but I think you already know what you have to do. First things first, get your rx’s filled and on track (everything is going to spiral out of control if you don’t follow that regimen), maybe we avoid therapy because someone is telling us a truth we don’t want to hear, or we are avoiding what is real. Be brave. You CAN do it. All the tools are there for you. Just reach out and go for it. What do you have to lose? YOu have nothing to lose, and everything to gain!
I have many of the same things, fear ect that you have, i heard beth moore say we are rebeling when we say i will, we are in peace when we say thy will, it looks like your on the right track, you have helpped me by your blog, i love that song in his time. I have had health troubles also and i found a new doctor who said it was my iud, merina. Do you have an iud or the pill? Ask your doctor, I was getting sicker and sicker, now i had it taken out and all the pain stopped im not a doctor, but just a thought.Jesus loves us just how we are, when the flesh cant do it, jesus did it for us on the cross, good luck at your job. one great thing about a job it keeps you busy, hope you feel better.
Praying for you…
Change is a scary thing and it’s so easy for us to want to go into an avoidance thing and just hide under our bed covers where life is familiar and safe. Going out into the big wide world is scary and has risks, we feel like we’ll be vulnerable there and alone to fend for ourselves.
But you have to remember and assure yourself that you have many resources that can make you get through this.
You may feel like a different person because you’ve put a shell around you that has kept you safe from the outside world. Now you are breaking free; just like a butterfly from its cocoon.
Have faith sis, it will get better, I promise.
Take your prescriptions, girl! They are your ‘healing tablets’ to getting better. I wish you so much luck in the job venture; for I, myself, returned to work after 9 years off with horrid depression, in and out of hospitals. The road was a bumpy one, but tenacity prevailed and I stuck with it. You will do it too.
Go easy on yourself, deep breaths, don’t expect too much. Just remember: if you do your very best, no one can expect any more from you.
Take care.
Thank you for having the courage to share the darkest and most private side of yourself as it provides a mechanism for others to hang on to and know we are not alone. It saddens me to know there are so many people suffering with me, but it is also brings comfort in knowing that we are not as alone as we feel. I commend the writers’ and their comments with their words of strength and encouragement from souls who know all too well where you are inside your head. Good luck with the new job and I am sure it will offer you some relief as work tends to tire me out enough to not provide near as much time to ruminate and roam around inside the confines of my mind.