Wish Me Luck!
Tomorrow is my first full day at work. It’s late and I know I should already be in bed; but, I keep putting it off. I feel like if I keep putting it off, tomorrow might not come and I won’t have to go to work. I want to put this off so that I don’t have to go through another cycle of change.
I’ve gotten so used to sitting in the house day in and day out. But, I know, it’s been killing me inside to sit here and do nothing. I need some human interaction and I need to feel like I have a purpose–like I’m doing something. I so scared.
I still haven’t taken my medication. Well, let me rephrase that a bit… I have 6 prescriptions that I need to pick up. It’s a rather simple process. I call in my prescriptions, get in my car, pick my prescriptions up, and take my medicine. I still feel stuck and I feel like I can’t do it. How am I going to work when I can’t do something so simple? I know that part of the reason that I’m feeling this way is because it’s been almost 2 weeks since I took any of my medicine. Has it been that long? I don’t even know. I’ve lost track of time and I dread becoming a slave to the routine of taking my medication.
This seems to happen to me anytime I start taking any kind of prescription. I sort of rebel inside. I don’t want to have to take any medication! I have this weird set of criteria in my head also. I can only take an even numbers of pills. If my pills add up to an odd number, I simply stop taking one of the pills. I know it’s crazy, but I can’t help it. It feels unlucky and despite any logic, I give in to my stupid rules.
Back to the job….
I’m so scared about tomorrow. I am so scared that this job will be like my last. I am afraid that I will hate my job and be unhappy with it. My last job was horrendous. To say that I was micromanaged would be putting it lightly and I already have issues with perfection. I want to do everything perfectly. With my last job, every little thing was subject to scrutiny. We had daily, weekly, and monthly reports and reviews. I did very well with these reviews. We got graded on our performance. For 5 months straight I kept my average at 98%. It wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want anything less than perfect. It started taking a toll on me. I stopped enjoying my job and every task became harder and more stressful. I just don’t want that to happen again. I want to be able to enjoy my new job.
That being said, I do believe that God put me on this path for a reason. Without that horrendous job, I may not have gotten the help that I needed. I have put my trust in God that He will continue to take care of me and prepare me for whatever it is that my future holds.
I am so happy to be able to tell people that I have found God in my life. He has led me from a life of recklessness and sin. I used to turn to other things in my life to make me feel happy. I thought that being reckless and sinful would allow me to have more fun and be free and happy with my life. During those moments I did feel a sense of satisfaction, but it did not last. It’s like a person who is addicted to drugs. The euphoria lasts for a bit and then the reality sets in. Once I found God, I realized that all of those missing puzzle pieces were at my disposal. I didn’t need all of those other things to feel that peace inside of myself. I don’t need alcohol, sex, drugs, or anything else to help me through the good or bad moments.
Sometimes, I still find it hard not to give into temptation or look for the easy way out. I get depressed and think about suicide or self medicating and then I have to remember to stop being so selfish. I have to remind myself to be patient and trust. I know that everything happens In His Time. I just have to remind myself sometimes…
Anyway…I am about to head to bed now! Wish me luck with my first day of work tomorrow!!!!!
-U.M.
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Just know that you are working out of your own free will- you don’t HAVE to do it, you WANT to do it- When you look at it that way, you will feel like you have a choice- and having a choice makes us feel less trapped. If you go in tomorrow and realise you don’t like the job, you can QUIT, it’s simple. Remember that you have a choice in everything you do. Maybe when we were younger at school we didn’t have a choice to drop out of school, we HAD to go. But you’re an adult with resources. If you don’t like something, get out of it.
It’s a sign of denial, you not wanting your medication, which is normal in the beginning, but you need to take it. God created these medications for us to use, so it’s OKAY to take them when we need them. Don’t look at it as you’re a failure because you need ‘help’. Look at it this way, people need cars so it can take them from point A to B. And people need medication to also take them from point A to B. They are the same tool, just different in what they are.
You need to stop looking that things have to be perfect. Nothing is perfect but God, you know? Make a few small ‘mistakes’ and appreciate them, you’ll feel so HUMAN and love it. Mistakes are made to learn from them. Imagine if we couldn’t make mistakes? We’d never learn, we’d never develop or grow.
You’re strong. You’re going out in the world and you’re going to be fine. Let go of all the past conditioning you got from your parents, let go and start being the ‘you’ you really are. Live for yourself, not for anyone else. Live for God.
You’re gonna be okay. Just believe in yourself. Getting the job means something sis. You are talented, intelligent, able, wanted, independent; you’re human.
Thank God for your humanity. Forget about perfection, that’s meant for the angels, not us
Just do what you can, have a great time while you’re doing it, and go home to a loving husband and home (and you’re dog!) and feel content inside.
Lots of love and good luck!
Unique
How did it go? Just letting you know you’re in my thoughts…
Hi there,
I came to this posting late (obviously
) but I wanted to pass along a quick suggestion on the odd/even pill count thing. Have you considered buying cranberry caplets? They’re great for female urinary tract health, and won’t interact with other meds, or have any noticeable start/stop effects.
Adding one of those to an odd number works (and has the happy side benefit of aiding to prevent UTIs so it’s not a waste of money).