I am ashamed. I stopped taking my medication and seeing my therapist in September. Part of me wants to go back. But, I don’t want to face them again. I am ashamed of the disappointments and events that have transpired in these past few months. I feel like hiding from the world. I feel like a disappointment.
Things aren’t going so well in my job. My bosses are out to get me and the climate of my workplace is toxic. I got my hopes up and I received a great job offer with a Fortune 500 company. I went to three interviews, did a test, and they even comped my trip to another city to meet me in person. My hopes were very high and I finally felt like things were turning around for me. I felt hope. I felt like I would finally be a somebody. They informed me that I got the job. Then, out of nowhere, they sent me a generated email and informed me that they were no longer interested in hiring me. There was no explanation and they don’t seem very interested in making contact with me. I was devastated–I am devastated.
It’s been a week since I found out and I feel helpless.
I feel like I am running out of opportunities. I feel worthless and my confidence has been diminished…
I was raised to act with poise and to always keep a smiling face. I try to make my life appear much happier than it was. What I don’t talk about, is the emotional abuse I endured from my family over the years. I am admitting it. My husband always reassures me that I am not a punching bag for the world. But, this is how I feel. It’s been so long since I’ve had a break. I don’t know how I can keep going on sometimes.
The video below kept me going tonight. I almost didn’t watch it after the first bit. But, I’m glad I did. It’s a wordless skit, depicting a person who has turned away from God and let life’s temptations get a hold of her. It doesn’t matter what one’s religious background is. I think many people will be able to relate to this video. We cannot give up hope and I try to keep hoping for better things.
I’m getting more accustomed to my job and I’m starting to enjoy it. That being said, the people who I work with aren’t so great. They all seem to be out to get one another and look for others to make mistakes. Once someone makes a mistake the managers will get a screen shot or email of the mistake.
I dunno…maybe I’m a little sensitive. But, I feel that people are always going to make mistakes and that, instead of pointing out everyone else’s imperfections, one should take it up privately with the other person and help to correct the mistake. However, it seems to be a never-ending cycle in my workplace. One person rats out another and that other person becomes vindictive and does the same to another person. I refuse to take part in that kind of behavior.
*SIGH*…Anyway, I have been doing a lot better. At least, I feel like I’m doing a lot better. I have never gotten back on my medications or gone back to see my therapist. I’m great at my job and I even have another–more promising–job offer with a very well known company. I hope that I will stay ok… However, part of me feels like I must be in a hypomanic state and that I will probably end up crashing in a few months. We’ll see… I can never seem to commit to getting help for my depression.
Moving on…someone asked me what it was like in the psych hospital. hmm… I can only answer from my own experience. But, I will get back to you on that… It feels like a distant memory or a dream. Yet, it was only six months ago. It still feels somewhat surreal and I feel like a new person. I feel like a part of me died off–kind of like the leaves on a tree. I feel new and fresh now. I’m different and I’m happy…
I’m feeling slightly better today. I say “slightly” because I keep having these terrible mood swings. They seem to be more frequent at night when I have a quiet moment to myself. It’s frustrating and I’m thinking of taking one of my Ambien tonight to help me get to sleep…
Moving on…I’m considering turning in an official resignation letter tomorrow. I mean, let’s face it, I’ve been miserable with this new job since day one. I hate to keep bouncing from job to job, but I need to take care of myself.
Did I mention that I expressed to my boss that I was thinking of resigning? Yes, I told her a couple of weeks ago and I got a raise. Nonetheless, I’m still thinking of leaving. It’s nice to have extra cash. However, I wonder if this is the time when I should take a stand and leave a situation that is making me unhappy. Maybe it’s a test??? I don’t know what to do and my husband tells me that I should leave if it’s making me so miserable. *sigh*… Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the problem–not the job.
Obviously, I am part the problem. I can’t begin to explain how frustrating it is to feel like this. People don’t understand that I can’t just stop the mood swings and be happy. I look back a few months, when I first got out of the hospital, and I was so happy. It was the most wonderful feeling and I would love to be back in that place. Hmm…maybe being off of my medication and not going to therapy has caused me to drift back to where I am now? I know it’s part of the reason, but I’m still in denial.
This is what depression does… Once it takes hold, it doesn’t let go easily.
I still haven’t seen my therapist and I’m off of my medication.
I feel so crappy. I can’t stand my job and I feel like I’m running in place. It’s all my fault. However, somehow I can’t seem to care enough to fix it…
I am a fish out of water and I feel like I always will be. I am American by citizenship, yet I have no place to really call my own. I wrote a post earlier called “What is There to Show?” and I feel like that right now. I don’t talk much about my life, because I’ve always been a secretive person and a lot of times people think that I’m bragging when I’m merely stating the facts. I’ve never felt like anyone has ever really been able to understand me even those who have known me for years. Anyway…
My father was a diplomat. My high school years were wonderful. In the course of my high school years, I met two former presidents of the US and many other distinguished visitors. I have a picture of my father shaking hands with one of those presidents in my living room. Upstairs, I have an Elle magazine with my picture in it. Many of my high school friends are children of ambassadors, ceos, and other positions of authority. Well…so what? I don’t think that any of those things are important or make me better than anyone else. In fact, I rarely open up to people about my background, because I don’t want them to get the wrong idea. But, it is a part of my past and therefore it will always be part of my identity.
During my high school years, I was a fish out of water. I don’t mean that in the sense that I didn’t have any friends, but I was always a little different from my friends and peers. I don’t know how my father got the position at the embassy and I will probably never know. He was a military man, without a college degree, working in a career field that one would not normally associate with diplomatics. Nonetheless, we got a phone call one night (not how things are normally done) and within 4-5 months, we moved from this TINY town in the US to one of the biggest countries in the world. It was like a fairy tale.
This move was a huge culture shock. I was used to riding in a beater car, going to school with gang member, in a town with less than 75000 people. All of a sudden, I ended up moving to the ritziest part of one of the biggest cities in the world. I was a fish out of water.
All of that was great and everything…blah blah blah. I excelled in academics and I had so many huge goals. I wanted to change the world. Well…after coming home from my new job today…I came home, cried, and asked myself what there is to show.
I don’t feel like I need money, cars, or any of that to make me happy. In fact, I don’t know what it is that can make me happy. On one hand, I feel like a lot of people expect so much of me. On the other hand, I feel like there are people who don’t expect anything at all from me and assume that I am worthless. (For example, I remember checking out an autobiography at the library once and the librarian told me that I would probably have a difficult time with comprehending it. I was furious! She took one look at me and assumed that I was stupid!)
I just don’t know what the point is. Days like today, I feel like life is so pointless. I will work hard for the rest of my life and die. I can’t see the point.
Of course, I don’t want to feel this way. However, it is so difficult. I feel so drained after 3 days of working and pretending to be chipper and attentive.
I am so drained.
I thrive on change. Yet, I don’t know how to deal with it. Every 2-5 years, I experience huge changes and I always have. I don’t know what it’s like to settle in one place. I don’t know what it’s like NOT to have a hometown. I feel like I am always guarding myself and hiding pieces of myself from others. I don’t feel like I can be myself and it’s becoming more difficult for me.
I feel like I can’t speak with my friends from high school, because they don’t understand what it’s like to live the lifestyle that I do now. Maybe…I am just assuming that they won’t understand. Who am I kidding? I don’t even understand.
I don’t understand this American lifestyle. Yet, if I go anywhere else, I will always be an expatriate. I don’t fit in and it’s difficult.
I feel so hopeless right now. I have too much on my mind to make this post meld into something coherent. I don’t even remember what my point was when I initially started writing.
I am a fish out of water. I feel like nobody understands. I am depressed. I don’t understand why I live. I don’t understand my purpose. *Sigh*…..
So, I had a conversation with my father yesterday. I called him to let him know of an upcoming job prospect and at first, I left the conversation feeling motivated. Then, when I sat down and thought about our conversation, I became very upset and today I’m angry.
Here’s how it went:
“So, I will hear back next week if I got the job. I think the interview went really well. She gave me her cell phone number and told me I could call 24 hours a day to let her know if I am thinking about accepting another offer!”
“Well, that’s good. But, I don’t want you to lose sight of things. I don’t want any of my daughters to be dependent on any man. You need to continue your education further and do better, so that you don’t have to be dependent on anyone.”
“I understand where you’re coming from. That’s why I’m looking into other things. I’ll probably even start some night classes.”
“Well, you know how your mom is always bragging about you guys. She’s always saying how you guys went to one of the best schools in asia and telling her friends that it cost $30,000 a year for each of you. But, I mean…what do you guys have to show for it? I mean, I know you guys just bought a house, you have two new cars, but you can do much better.”
I am so upset right now. It seems like he never wants me to be happy or proud of myself. I mean, I just got out of a freakin’ mental institution in July, I quit my job, and I’m already running the streets looking for another one. I just keep hearing those words echo over and over again in my head–”what do you guys have to show for it?” I have plenty to show! Most 23 year olds don’t have a house and two new cars.
I’ve gotten the ‘you can do better’ speech from him all my life. I never got in trouble at school, I was in different clubs, plays, sports, I always got As and Bs, and I even got a scholarship, but none of those things were ever good enough. I could always do better.
I am starting to get fed up! I am almost ready to cease all contact with him. I am so angry! But, I know I won’t be able to do it. My father is almost 50 years old and I don’t know how much time he has left on this earth.
The last thing I would want is to feel like I missed out on a great relationship. But, I am so tired. I am tired of getting beaten down. I am tired of all of the negativity and criticism. I want to be happy! So what if there are people with huge mansions, lots of money, and a page full of credentials? What if that’s not me? So what? I want to be happy. I want to have a job that I enjoy. I want to live my life to the fullest. I mean, this is it. This is it. There is no dress rehearsal. I’m not gonna life my life working hard and being unhappy for other people. If I want to live in a shack, volunteer at a homeless shelter, and I’m happy…so what?
I am so sick of this. I have so much anger inside of me right now. I don’t want to feel angry. I don’t like being angry. I mean…I say all of these things and I’m being rational about it, but it hurts my feelings. I want him to change. I want him to be happy for me and proud of me no matter what. He’s always doubted me and put me down. I feel like if I keep listening to him, I’ll keep reaching for the sky and find nothing.
I was happy yesterday. I am content with my life right now and I have so many bigger things planned. I wish he would learn to focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t. It’s something that I’ve learned to do.
When we first bought our house, we would drive around and I would beat myself up because our house wasn’t as big and pretty as some of the other houses. But, you know what? I’m thankful for what I have. There will always be someone with bigger and better things. Most of those things have been done before. But, there will never be someone like me. Other people may see me and think that I’m ordinary. But, this ordinary girl has peace in her heart and life experiences that others don’t have. I want to look back on my life and know that I have enjoyed it. I want to look back on my life and know that I didn’t work hard, make lots of money, and live sinfully, only to let someone else have those things and squander all of the hard work that I put into it. I want to be happy.
I am so thankful for all of the things that God has given me. I am unique and many ordinary people do extraordinary things. Noah, and ordinary man, saved people from a worldwide flood and David triumphed over Goliath with nothing more than a slingshot and some stones.
The things I may do may not be successes in his eyes, but they are in mine and I own it. I own all of it…proudly.
It’s 3.45 am and I’m anxious. I have a job interview in about seven hours. I don’t know why I’m nervous. I always do really well with interviews and I applied less than a week ago. I’m pretty sure I’ll get the job. But, I dunno.
I had a really good job opportunity come up a few months ago and the woman doing the hiring keeps putting me off. She saw my husband on Sunday and told him to be looking out for a phone call this week. It’s almost business hours, Wednesday, for them. I wonder if I’ll get the call. I really hope I do. Both jobs are good, but I’d really like to hear from her. We’ll see.
Therapy wasn’t so great this week. I read her a few of my posts again, but it didn’t seem to help. I’m feeling much better. I think that’s part of the reason. When I was really depressed, it helped to get out all of those negative emotions. The same issues are still present but, I’ve seemed to have buried them for the time being and I wonder when my next cycle of depression will hit.
In other news, my mother-in-law is coming down in a few days. I’m so excited about driving to the airport and showing her our first home. I love her. I think that I’m getting too much excitement in one week!
I had bronchitis all last week and it was horrendous. I was so tired and I could barely breaths. Good news though, I’ve been cleared to start procreating. So, I am very excited about the prospect of starting a family. I hope I don’t get to obsessed with it though.
That’s all. Just a happy post from a happy camper–nothing insightful. Take care…
