Coming Clean…

I am ashamed. I stopped taking my medication and seeing my therapist in September. Part of me wants to go back. But, I don’t want to face them again. I am ashamed of the disappointments and events that have transpired in these past few months. I feel like hiding from the world.  I feel like a disappointment.

Things aren’t going so well in my job. My bosses are out to get me and the climate of my workplace is toxic. I got my hopes up and I received a great job offer with a Fortune 500 company. I went to three interviews, did a test, and they even comped my trip to another city to meet me in person. My hopes were very high and I finally felt like things were turning around for me. I felt hope. I felt like I would finally be a somebody.  They informed me that I got the job. Then, out of nowhere, they sent me a generated email and informed me that they were no longer interested in hiring me.  There was no explanation and they don’t seem very interested in making contact with me. I was devastated–I am devastated.

It’s been a week since I found out and I feel helpless.

I feel like I am running out of opportunities. I feel worthless and my confidence has been diminished…

I was raised to act with poise and to always keep a smiling face. I try to make my life appear much happier than it was. What I don’t talk about, is the emotional abuse I endured from my family over the years.  I am admitting it. My husband always reassures me that I am not a punching bag for the world. But, this is how I feel. It’s been so long since I’ve had a break. I don’t know how I can keep going on sometimes.

The video below kept me going tonight. I almost didn’t watch it after the first bit. But, I’m glad I did. It’s a wordless skit, depicting a person who has turned away from God and let life’s temptations get a hold of her. It doesn’t matter what one’s religious background is. I think many people will be able to relate to this video.  We cannot give up hope and I try to keep hoping for better things.

-U.M.

Like Falling Leaves and Spring Green…

A lot has happened in the past few months.

I’m getting more accustomed to my job and I’m starting to enjoy it.  That being said, the people who I work with aren’t so great.  They all seem to be out to get one another and look for others to make mistakes.  Once someone makes a mistake the managers will get a screen shot or email of the mistake.

I dunno…maybe I’m a little sensitive.  But, I feel that people are always going to make mistakes and that, instead of pointing out everyone else’s imperfections, one should take it up privately with the other person and help to correct the mistake.  However, it seems to be a never-ending cycle in my workplace.  One person rats out another and that other person becomes vindictive and does the same to another person.  I refuse to take part in that kind of behavior.

*SIGH*…Anyway, I have been doing a lot better.  At least, I feel like I’m doing a lot better.  I have never gotten back on my medications or gone back to see my therapist.  I’m great at my job and I even have another–more promising–job offer with a very well known company.  I hope that I will stay ok…  However, part of me feels like I must be in a hypomanic state and that I will probably end up crashing in a few months.  We’ll see…  I can never seem to commit to getting help for my depression.

Moving on…someone asked me what it was like in the psych hospital.  hmm…  I can only answer from my own experience.  But, I will get back to you on that…  It feels like a distant memory or a dream.  Yet, it was only six months ago.  It still feels somewhat surreal and I feel like a new person.  I feel like a part of me died off–kind of like the leaves on a tree.  I feel new and fresh now.  I’m different and I’m happy…

I think I can’t…

I’m feeling slightly better today.  I say “slightly” because I keep having these terrible mood swings.  They seem to be more frequent at night when I have a quiet moment to myself.  It’s frustrating and I’m thinking of taking one of my Ambien tonight to help me get to sleep…

Moving on…I’m considering turning in an official resignation letter tomorrow.  I mean, let’s face it, I’ve been miserable with this new job since day one.  I hate to keep bouncing from job to job, but I need to take care of myself.

Did I mention that I expressed to my boss that I was thinking of resigning?  Yes, I told her a couple of weeks ago and I got a raise.  Nonetheless, I’m still thinking of leaving.  It’s nice to have extra cash.  However, I wonder if this is the time when I should take a stand and leave a situation that is making me unhappy.  Maybe it’s a test??? I don’t know what to do and my husband tells me that I should leave if it’s making me so miserable.  *sigh*…  Maybe it’s me.   Maybe I’m the problem–not the job.

Obviously, I am part the problem.  I can’t begin to explain how frustrating it is to feel like this.  People don’t understand that I can’t just stop the mood swings and be happy.  I look back a few months, when I first got out of the hospital, and I was so happy.  It was the most wonderful feeling and I would love to be back in that place.  Hmm…maybe being off of my medication and not going to therapy has caused me to drift back to where I am now?  I know it’s part of the reason, but I’m still in denial.

This is what depression does…  Once it takes hold, it doesn’t let go easily.

It’s Everywhere

I feel like fear is waiting for me around every corner.

I started taking my medications again. They haven’t started working there way all through my system yet. I am still having the worst mood swings and the stress from working is just adding to all of that. I know that this is life. But, I worry that I can’t handle the simple things that other people can. I feel so helpless and I feel like I can’t do anything. My mind is like jello and everything seems so difficult. I’m not cut out for all of this. Life is too complicated and I don’t understand anything. I don’t understand the meaning of all of this.

That being said, I am worlds away from where I was a few months ago. It’s just that reality has set in. I am going to be bound to a routine and will have more responsibilities. It’s so hard to accept it. Part of me is finding it difficult to grow up and take on more responsibilities. But,I have always done what has needed to be done. I am just overwhelmed. I thought I was ready to move on to a new job. But, I am scared now. I think that I may have taken it on too quickly. I don’t know if I’m ready and it scares me. These changes are scaring me. I get so much anxiety thinking about it. But, I won’t give up. I will give it some time. They say it takes 3 weeks to get into a new routine, so I will keep pushing on for another month at least, before I make any rash decisions.

So, to recap… I’m taking my medication again, I’m gonna stick with my job a little while longer and I still haven’t seen my therapist in weeks. I will make an appointment tomorrow. That’s a promise.

Moving on…

I need to break my cigarette addiction. I started smoking a lot when I was in the hospital and later after I got out. I had the worst anxiety attacks and I would smoke a pack a day–sometimes more. Well, I am addicted to smoking now. There, I said it. I know I shouldn’t smoke. They have a free workshop on the base for people who want to quit smoking. But, I haven’t signed up. Part of me doesn’t want to get rid of the addiction, because it’s like a security blanket.

I have a problem with addiction. One summer, I learned everything I could about web design and I used to design web pages for people. Now, I have no interest in opening up my notepad, my photoshop, or doing any of that stuff. Another time, I became addicted to Texas hold-em. I learned everything I could about the game for a month and practiced online. Then, I entered a tournament with about 230~ people, got to the final table, and placed 6th. Suddenly, I wasn’t interested in Poker anymore. I get addicted to little things, big things, and then abandon them. I am constantly looking for challenges, but the second I become good at it and can’t be #1…I quit. With smoking, it’s not so easy. I really don’t know what to do about it. I like this addiction. It gives me something to do with my hands and it relaxes me. I guess I’ll get over it once I stop making excuses. We’ll see what happens…I have to truly want the change to make the change.

I have a lot more to update about my weekend. But, I’ll probably save that for tomorrow. I have had a really busy past couple of weeks and I need a smoke break. Take Care…

-U.M-

Wish Me Luck!

Tomorrow is my first full day at work. It’s late and I know I should already be in bed; but, I keep putting it off. I feel like if I keep putting it off, tomorrow might not come and I won’t have to go to work. I want to put this off so that I don’t have to go through another cycle of change.

I’ve gotten so used to sitting in the house day in and day out. But, I know, it’s been killing me inside to sit here and do nothing. I need some human interaction and I need to feel like I have a purpose–like I’m doing something. I so scared.

I still haven’t taken my medication. Well, let me rephrase that a bit… I have 6 prescriptions that I need to pick up. It’s a rather simple process. I call in my prescriptions, get in my car, pick my prescriptions up, and take my medicine. I still feel stuck and I feel like I can’t do it. How am I going to work when I can’t do something so simple? I know that part of the reason that I’m feeling this way is because it’s been almost 2 weeks since I took any of my medicine. Has it been that long? I don’t even know. I’ve lost track of time and I dread becoming a slave to the routine of taking my medication.

This seems to happen to me anytime I start taking any kind of prescription. I sort of rebel inside. I don’t want to have to take any medication! I have this weird set of criteria in my head also. I can only take an even numbers of pills. If my pills add up to an odd number, I simply stop taking one of the pills. I know it’s crazy, but I can’t help it. It feels unlucky and despite any logic, I give in to my stupid rules.

Back to the job….

I’m so scared about tomorrow. I am so scared that this job will be like my last. I am afraid that I will hate my job and be unhappy with it. My last job was horrendous. To say that I was micromanaged would be putting it lightly and I already have issues with perfection. I want to do everything perfectly. With my last job, every little thing was subject to scrutiny. We had daily, weekly, and monthly reports and reviews. I did very well with these reviews. We got graded on our performance. For 5 months straight I kept my average at 98%. It wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want anything less than perfect. It started taking a toll on me. I stopped enjoying my job and every task became harder and more stressful. I just don’t want that to happen again. I want to be able to enjoy my new job.

That being said, I do believe that God put me on this path for a reason. Without that horrendous job, I may not have gotten the help that I needed. I have put my trust in God that He will continue to take care of me and prepare me for whatever it is that my future holds.

I am so happy to be able to tell people that I have found God in my life. He has led me from a life of recklessness and sin. I used to turn to other things in my life to make me feel happy. I thought that being reckless and sinful would allow me to have more fun and be free and happy with my life. During those moments I did feel a sense of satisfaction, but it did not last. It’s like a person who is addicted to drugs. The euphoria lasts for a bit and then the reality sets in. Once I found God, I realized that all of those missing puzzle pieces were at my disposal. I didn’t need all of those other things to feel that peace inside of myself. I don’t need alcohol, sex, drugs, or anything else to help me through the good or bad moments.

Sometimes, I still find it hard not to give into temptation or look for the easy way out. I get depressed and think about suicide or self medicating and then I have to remember to stop being so selfish. I have to remind myself to be patient and trust. I know that everything happens In His Time. I just have to remind myself sometimes…

Anyway…I am about to head to bed now! Wish me luck with my first day of work tomorrow!!!!!

-U.M.

What is There to Show?

So, I had a conversation with my father yesterday. I called him to let him know of an upcoming job prospect and at first, I left the conversation feeling motivated. Then, when I sat down and thought about our conversation, I became very upset and today I’m angry.

Here’s how it went:

“So, I will hear back next week if I got the job. I think the interview went really well. She gave me her cell phone number and told me I could call 24 hours a day to let her know if I am thinking about accepting another offer!”

“Well, that’s good. But, I don’t want you to lose sight of things. I don’t want any of my daughters to be dependent on any man. You need to continue your education further and do better, so that you don’t have to be dependent on anyone.”

“I understand where you’re coming from. That’s why I’m looking into other things. I’ll probably even start some night classes.”

“Well, you know how your mom is always bragging about you guys. She’s always saying how you guys went to one of the best schools in asia and telling her friends that it cost $30,000 a year for each of you. But, I mean…what do you guys have to show for it? I mean, I know you guys just bought a house, you have two new cars, but you can do much better.”

I am so upset right now. It seems like he never wants me to be happy or proud of myself. I mean, I just got out of a freakin’ mental institution in July, I quit my job, and I’m already running the streets looking for another one. I just keep hearing those words echo over and over again in my head–”what do you guys have to show for it?” I have plenty to show! Most 23 year olds don’t have a house and two new cars.

I’ve gotten the ‘you can do better’ speech from him all my life. I never got in trouble at school, I was in different clubs, plays, sports, I always got As and Bs, and I even got a scholarship, but none of those things were ever good enough. I could always do better.

I am starting to get fed up! I am almost ready to cease all contact with him. I am so angry! But, I know I won’t be able to do it. My father is almost 50 years old and I don’t know how much time he has left on this earth.

The last thing I would want is to feel like I missed out on a great relationship. But, I am so tired. I am tired of getting beaten down. I am tired of all of the negativity and criticism. I want to be happy! So what if there are people with huge mansions, lots of money, and a page full of credentials? What if that’s not me? So what? I want to be happy. I want to have a job that I enjoy. I want to live my life to the fullest. I mean, this is it. This is it. There is no dress rehearsal. I’m not gonna life my life working hard and being unhappy for other people. If I want to live in a shack, volunteer at a homeless shelter, and I’m happy…so what?

I am so sick of this. I have so much anger inside of me right now. I don’t want to feel angry. I don’t like being angry. I mean…I say all of these things and I’m being rational about it, but it hurts my feelings. I want him to change. I want him to be happy for me and proud of me no matter what. He’s always doubted me and put me down. I feel like if I keep listening to him, I’ll keep reaching for the sky and find nothing.

I was happy yesterday. I am content with my life right now and I have so many bigger things planned. I wish he would learn to focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t. It’s something that I’ve learned to do.

When we first bought our house, we would drive around and I would beat myself up because our house wasn’t as big and pretty as some of the other houses. But, you know what? I’m thankful for what I have. There will always be someone with bigger and better things. Most of those things have been done before. But, there will never be someone like me. Other people may see me and think that I’m ordinary. But, this ordinary girl has peace in her heart and life experiences that others don’t have. I want to look back on my life and know that I have enjoyed it. I want to look back on my life and know that I didn’t work hard, make lots of money, and live sinfully, only to let someone else have those things and squander all of the hard work that I put into it. I want to be happy.

I am so thankful for all of the things that God has given me. I am unique and many ordinary people do extraordinary things. Noah, and ordinary man, saved people from a worldwide flood and David triumphed over Goliath with nothing more than a slingshot and some stones.

The things I may do may not be successes in his eyes, but they are in mine and I own it. I own all of it…proudly.

Another cycle of change

It’s 3.45 am and I’m anxious. I have a job interview in about seven hours. I don’t know why I’m nervous. I always do really well with interviews and I applied less than a week ago. I’m pretty sure I’ll get the job. But, I dunno.

I had a really good job opportunity come up a few months ago and the woman doing the hiring keeps putting me off. She saw my husband on Sunday and told him to be looking out for a phone call this week. It’s almost business hours, Wednesday, for them. I wonder if I’ll get the call. I really hope I do. Both jobs are good, but I’d really like to hear from her. We’ll see.

Therapy wasn’t so great this week. I read her a few of my posts again, but it didn’t seem to help. I’m feeling much better. I think that’s part of the reason. When I was really depressed, it helped to get out all of those negative emotions. The same issues are still present but, I’ve seemed to have buried them for the time being and I wonder when my next cycle of depression will hit.

In other news, my mother-in-law is coming down in a few days. I’m so excited about driving to the airport and showing her our first home. I love her. I think that I’m getting too much excitement in one week!

I had bronchitis all last week and it was horrendous. I was so tired and I could barely breaths. Good news though, I’ve been cleared to start procreating. So, I am very excited about the prospect of starting a family. I hope I don’t get to obsessed with it though.

That’s all. Just a happy post from a happy camper–nothing insightful. Take care…