Coming Clean…

I am ashamed. I stopped taking my medication and seeing my therapist in September. Part of me wants to go back. But, I don’t want to face them again. I am ashamed of the disappointments and events that have transpired in these past few months. I feel like hiding from the world.  I feel like a disappointment.

Things aren’t going so well in my job. My bosses are out to get me and the climate of my workplace is toxic. I got my hopes up and I received a great job offer with a Fortune 500 company. I went to three interviews, did a test, and they even comped my trip to another city to meet me in person. My hopes were very high and I finally felt like things were turning around for me. I felt hope. I felt like I would finally be a somebody.  They informed me that I got the job. Then, out of nowhere, they sent me a generated email and informed me that they were no longer interested in hiring me.  There was no explanation and they don’t seem very interested in making contact with me. I was devastated–I am devastated.

It’s been a week since I found out and I feel helpless.

I feel like I am running out of opportunities. I feel worthless and my confidence has been diminished…

I was raised to act with poise and to always keep a smiling face. I try to make my life appear much happier than it was. What I don’t talk about, is the emotional abuse I endured from my family over the years.  I am admitting it. My husband always reassures me that I am not a punching bag for the world. But, this is how I feel. It’s been so long since I’ve had a break. I don’t know how I can keep going on sometimes.

The video below kept me going tonight. I almost didn’t watch it after the first bit. But, I’m glad I did. It’s a wordless skit, depicting a person who has turned away from God and let life’s temptations get a hold of her. It doesn’t matter what one’s religious background is. I think many people will be able to relate to this video.  We cannot give up hope and I try to keep hoping for better things.

-U.M.

I think I can’t…

I’m feeling slightly better today.  I say “slightly” because I keep having these terrible mood swings.  They seem to be more frequent at night when I have a quiet moment to myself.  It’s frustrating and I’m thinking of taking one of my Ambien tonight to help me get to sleep…

Moving on…I’m considering turning in an official resignation letter tomorrow.  I mean, let’s face it, I’ve been miserable with this new job since day one.  I hate to keep bouncing from job to job, but I need to take care of myself.

Did I mention that I expressed to my boss that I was thinking of resigning?  Yes, I told her a couple of weeks ago and I got a raise.  Nonetheless, I’m still thinking of leaving.  It’s nice to have extra cash.  However, I wonder if this is the time when I should take a stand and leave a situation that is making me unhappy.  Maybe it’s a test??? I don’t know what to do and my husband tells me that I should leave if it’s making me so miserable.  *sigh*…  Maybe it’s me.   Maybe I’m the problem–not the job.

Obviously, I am part the problem.  I can’t begin to explain how frustrating it is to feel like this.  People don’t understand that I can’t just stop the mood swings and be happy.  I look back a few months, when I first got out of the hospital, and I was so happy.  It was the most wonderful feeling and I would love to be back in that place.  Hmm…maybe being off of my medication and not going to therapy has caused me to drift back to where I am now?  I know it’s part of the reason, but I’m still in denial.

This is what depression does…  Once it takes hold, it doesn’t let go easily.

It’s Everywhere

I feel like fear is waiting for me around every corner.

I started taking my medications again. They haven’t started working there way all through my system yet. I am still having the worst mood swings and the stress from working is just adding to all of that. I know that this is life. But, I worry that I can’t handle the simple things that other people can. I feel so helpless and I feel like I can’t do anything. My mind is like jello and everything seems so difficult. I’m not cut out for all of this. Life is too complicated and I don’t understand anything. I don’t understand the meaning of all of this.

That being said, I am worlds away from where I was a few months ago. It’s just that reality has set in. I am going to be bound to a routine and will have more responsibilities. It’s so hard to accept it. Part of me is finding it difficult to grow up and take on more responsibilities. But,I have always done what has needed to be done. I am just overwhelmed. I thought I was ready to move on to a new job. But, I am scared now. I think that I may have taken it on too quickly. I don’t know if I’m ready and it scares me. These changes are scaring me. I get so much anxiety thinking about it. But, I won’t give up. I will give it some time. They say it takes 3 weeks to get into a new routine, so I will keep pushing on for another month at least, before I make any rash decisions.

So, to recap… I’m taking my medication again, I’m gonna stick with my job a little while longer and I still haven’t seen my therapist in weeks. I will make an appointment tomorrow. That’s a promise.

Moving on…

I need to break my cigarette addiction. I started smoking a lot when I was in the hospital and later after I got out. I had the worst anxiety attacks and I would smoke a pack a day–sometimes more. Well, I am addicted to smoking now. There, I said it. I know I shouldn’t smoke. They have a free workshop on the base for people who want to quit smoking. But, I haven’t signed up. Part of me doesn’t want to get rid of the addiction, because it’s like a security blanket.

I have a problem with addiction. One summer, I learned everything I could about web design and I used to design web pages for people. Now, I have no interest in opening up my notepad, my photoshop, or doing any of that stuff. Another time, I became addicted to Texas hold-em. I learned everything I could about the game for a month and practiced online. Then, I entered a tournament with about 230~ people, got to the final table, and placed 6th. Suddenly, I wasn’t interested in Poker anymore. I get addicted to little things, big things, and then abandon them. I am constantly looking for challenges, but the second I become good at it and can’t be #1…I quit. With smoking, it’s not so easy. I really don’t know what to do about it. I like this addiction. It gives me something to do with my hands and it relaxes me. I guess I’ll get over it once I stop making excuses. We’ll see what happens…I have to truly want the change to make the change.

I have a lot more to update about my weekend. But, I’ll probably save that for tomorrow. I have had a really busy past couple of weeks and I need a smoke break. Take Care…

-U.M-

I feel cheated…

I’ve been very busy this week. It’s been sort of a tough transition for me to go from not working for a full three months to getting up early every morning and having a full day of work. I like my new job; however, I’m hating the reality of it. I’m not sure if that makes any sense. Anyway, I feel like I was sort of cheated and roped into accepting this position. I work a full eight hours and we don’t really have time for breaks.  I only get about 10-15 minutes to sit down and quickly eat my lunch. In between that eating, if the phone rings, or someone asks me to do something, I have to do it. I really feel like this is something they should have made more clear to me. It upsets me and I don’t know if I just need to stop complaining and accept it.  I feel like I don’t have an understanding of “the real world”…  I should get over it and stop complaining…

In other news, I have been so emotional lately. I still haven’t gotten around to taking my medicine or even calling in my prescriptions. So, as I sit and type this, I will call in every single one of my prescriptions. I will have my husband pick them up and then I will force myself to take them. Well, just my luck… The line is busy.

Back to me being emotional… My emotions have been all over the place. At times, suicidal thoughts pop into my head. At other times, like when I’m at work, I am bubbly and I don’t feel like I’m faking it.

I haven’t seen my therapist, psychiatrist, or gotten my thyroid checked out like I’m supposed to. I keep making excuses for myself and I don’t know why. I feel so tired… I’m avoiding phone calls, people, everything… I don’t know what has me so afraid.

Fish Out of Water

I am a fish out of water and I feel like I always will be. I am American by citizenship, yet I have no place to really call my own. I wrote a post earlier called “What is There to Show?” and I feel like that right now. I don’t talk much about my life, because I’ve always been a secretive person and a lot of times people think that I’m bragging when I’m merely stating the facts. I’ve never felt like anyone has ever really been able to understand me even those who have known me for years. Anyway…

My father was a diplomat. My high school years were wonderful. In the course of my high school years, I met two former presidents of the US and many other distinguished visitors. I have a picture of my father shaking hands with one of those presidents in my living room. Upstairs, I have an Elle magazine with my picture in it. Many of my high school friends are children of ambassadors, ceos, and other positions of authority. Well…so what? I don’t think that any of those things are important or make me better than anyone else. In fact, I rarely open up to people about my background, because I don’t want them to get the wrong idea. But, it is a part of my past and therefore it will always be part of my identity.

During my high school years, I was a fish out of water. I don’t mean that in the sense that I didn’t have any friends, but I was always a little different from my friends and peers. I don’t know how my father got the position at the embassy and I will probably never know. He was a military man, without a college degree, working in a career field that one would not normally associate with diplomatics. Nonetheless, we got a phone call one night (not how things are normally done) and within 4-5 months, we moved from this TINY town in the US to one of the biggest countries in the world. It was like a fairy tale.

This move was a huge culture shock. I was used to riding in a beater car, going to school with gang member, in a town with less than 75000 people. All of a sudden, I ended up moving to the ritziest part of one of the biggest cities in the world. I was a fish out of water.

All of that was great and everything…blah blah blah. I excelled in academics and I had so many huge goals. I wanted to change the world. Well…after coming home from my new job today…I came home, cried, and asked myself what there is to show.

I don’t feel like I need money, cars, or any of that to make me happy. In fact, I don’t know what it is that can make me happy. On one hand, I feel like a lot of people expect so much of me. On the other hand, I feel like there are people who don’t expect anything at all from me and assume that I am worthless. (For example, I remember checking out an autobiography at the library once and the librarian told me that I would probably have a difficult time with comprehending it. I was furious! She took one look at me and assumed that I was stupid!)

I just don’t know what the point is. Days like today, I feel like life is so pointless. I will work hard for the rest of my life and die. I can’t see the point.

Of course, I don’t want to feel this way. However, it is so difficult. I feel so drained after 3 days of working and pretending to be chipper and attentive.

I am so drained.

I thrive on change. Yet, I don’t know how to deal with it. Every 2-5 years, I experience huge changes and I always have. I don’t know what it’s like to settle in one place. I don’t know what it’s like NOT to have a hometown. I feel like I am always guarding myself and hiding pieces of myself from others. I don’t feel like I can be myself and it’s becoming more difficult for me.

I feel like I can’t speak with my friends from high school, because they don’t understand what it’s like to live the lifestyle that I do now. Maybe…I am just assuming that they won’t understand. Who am I kidding? I don’t even understand.

I don’t understand this American lifestyle. Yet, if I go anywhere else, I will always be an expatriate. I don’t fit in and it’s difficult.

I feel so hopeless right now. I have too much on my mind to make this post meld into something coherent. I don’t even remember what my point was when I initially started writing.

I am a fish out of water. I feel like nobody understands. I am depressed. I don’t understand why I live. I don’t understand my purpose. *Sigh*…..

What is There to Show?

So, I had a conversation with my father yesterday. I called him to let him know of an upcoming job prospect and at first, I left the conversation feeling motivated. Then, when I sat down and thought about our conversation, I became very upset and today I’m angry.

Here’s how it went:

“So, I will hear back next week if I got the job. I think the interview went really well. She gave me her cell phone number and told me I could call 24 hours a day to let her know if I am thinking about accepting another offer!”

“Well, that’s good. But, I don’t want you to lose sight of things. I don’t want any of my daughters to be dependent on any man. You need to continue your education further and do better, so that you don’t have to be dependent on anyone.”

“I understand where you’re coming from. That’s why I’m looking into other things. I’ll probably even start some night classes.”

“Well, you know how your mom is always bragging about you guys. She’s always saying how you guys went to one of the best schools in asia and telling her friends that it cost $30,000 a year for each of you. But, I mean…what do you guys have to show for it? I mean, I know you guys just bought a house, you have two new cars, but you can do much better.”

I am so upset right now. It seems like he never wants me to be happy or proud of myself. I mean, I just got out of a freakin’ mental institution in July, I quit my job, and I’m already running the streets looking for another one. I just keep hearing those words echo over and over again in my head–”what do you guys have to show for it?” I have plenty to show! Most 23 year olds don’t have a house and two new cars.

I’ve gotten the ‘you can do better’ speech from him all my life. I never got in trouble at school, I was in different clubs, plays, sports, I always got As and Bs, and I even got a scholarship, but none of those things were ever good enough. I could always do better.

I am starting to get fed up! I am almost ready to cease all contact with him. I am so angry! But, I know I won’t be able to do it. My father is almost 50 years old and I don’t know how much time he has left on this earth.

The last thing I would want is to feel like I missed out on a great relationship. But, I am so tired. I am tired of getting beaten down. I am tired of all of the negativity and criticism. I want to be happy! So what if there are people with huge mansions, lots of money, and a page full of credentials? What if that’s not me? So what? I want to be happy. I want to have a job that I enjoy. I want to live my life to the fullest. I mean, this is it. This is it. There is no dress rehearsal. I’m not gonna life my life working hard and being unhappy for other people. If I want to live in a shack, volunteer at a homeless shelter, and I’m happy…so what?

I am so sick of this. I have so much anger inside of me right now. I don’t want to feel angry. I don’t like being angry. I mean…I say all of these things and I’m being rational about it, but it hurts my feelings. I want him to change. I want him to be happy for me and proud of me no matter what. He’s always doubted me and put me down. I feel like if I keep listening to him, I’ll keep reaching for the sky and find nothing.

I was happy yesterday. I am content with my life right now and I have so many bigger things planned. I wish he would learn to focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t. It’s something that I’ve learned to do.

When we first bought our house, we would drive around and I would beat myself up because our house wasn’t as big and pretty as some of the other houses. But, you know what? I’m thankful for what I have. There will always be someone with bigger and better things. Most of those things have been done before. But, there will never be someone like me. Other people may see me and think that I’m ordinary. But, this ordinary girl has peace in her heart and life experiences that others don’t have. I want to look back on my life and know that I have enjoyed it. I want to look back on my life and know that I didn’t work hard, make lots of money, and live sinfully, only to let someone else have those things and squander all of the hard work that I put into it. I want to be happy.

I am so thankful for all of the things that God has given me. I am unique and many ordinary people do extraordinary things. Noah, and ordinary man, saved people from a worldwide flood and David triumphed over Goliath with nothing more than a slingshot and some stones.

The things I may do may not be successes in his eyes, but they are in mine and I own it. I own all of it…proudly.

Hajime: to start or begin.

I walked into therapy today, nervous and shaken. I had gotten into a rather trivial argument with my husband before I left. Nevertheless, arguments–even trivial ones–always seem to put me a little on edge.

I brought my homework, which consisted of my journal entries here.

Every time I walk into that room, it makes me think of Alice and Wonderland. There is a checkered couch–blue and white. It has a throw on it that someone’s grandmother probably made, and these dark blue pillows in some faux denim material. To the right of the couch is an old, white built-in bookcase. It has books, of course, as well as playing cards, old dolls, and board games.

My therapist is very slim. She has shoulder-length blonde hair and a smile. She looks like Glenda–the good witch.

Anyway, I sat down in my usual spot. I always sit on the right side of the couch and rest on my pillow. I told my therapist, hoping and praying that she wouldn’t ask more about it, that I did my homework. Of course, doing what a therapist does, she asked and I got up the courage to read her my first entry Letter to My Parents.

I was nervous. I hemmed and hahed for a few moments before I read. At first, I kept my composure pretty well. Then, my voice started choking, I felt wetness in my eyes, and then I cried. I cried as I read the letter. I hadn’t reread the letter since I wrote it. All of those old, little girl feelings, that I thought I had gotten rid of, came flowing out in the form of tears.

I’ve been thinking about that moment all day. I don’t think I cried when I wrote that entry. When people ask me about my past, why I quit school, I relate the story to them without emotion.

I want to get that moment back. I felt so comfortable. It was a very selfish moment. For once, my feelings in regard to the way I was raised, were out there. I read the letter as if I were reading it to my parents. I felt a release inside of me. The hurt is still there; however, only slightly.

It was empowering. I am an adult. I do not have to live up to their standards and wishy washy ways anymore. I love them. But, at the same time, I also love myself.

This road has been so bumpy. At times, I feel as if I don’t know where I’m heading to next. I’m learning to love myself, however. I learning to love me. I am not perfect and I never will be. Logically, I’ve known that for so long. But, now I can really admit it to myself.  I can admit it to the part of me that withdraws and is afraid to cry or have negative feelings.

I am not perfect. Flaws, quirks, this cackling laugh–it’s all me.

I can love myself. I can and I will. I’m already starting.

-U.M.