I am ashamed. I stopped taking my medication and seeing my therapist in September. Part of me wants to go back. But, I don’t want to face them again. I am ashamed of the disappointments and events that have transpired in these past few months. I feel like hiding from the world. I feel like a disappointment.
Things aren’t going so well in my job. My bosses are out to get me and the climate of my workplace is toxic. I got my hopes up and I received a great job offer with a Fortune 500 company. I went to three interviews, did a test, and they even comped my trip to another city to meet me in person. My hopes were very high and I finally felt like things were turning around for me. I felt hope. I felt like I would finally be a somebody. They informed me that I got the job. Then, out of nowhere, they sent me a generated email and informed me that they were no longer interested in hiring me. There was no explanation and they don’t seem very interested in making contact with me. I was devastated–I am devastated.
It’s been a week since I found out and I feel helpless.
I feel like I am running out of opportunities. I feel worthless and my confidence has been diminished…
I was raised to act with poise and to always keep a smiling face. I try to make my life appear much happier than it was. What I don’t talk about, is the emotional abuse I endured from my family over the years. I am admitting it. My husband always reassures me that I am not a punching bag for the world. But, this is how I feel. It’s been so long since I’ve had a break. I don’t know how I can keep going on sometimes.
The video below kept me going tonight. I almost didn’t watch it after the first bit. But, I’m glad I did. It’s a wordless skit, depicting a person who has turned away from God and let life’s temptations get a hold of her. It doesn’t matter what one’s religious background is. I think many people will be able to relate to this video. We cannot give up hope and I try to keep hoping for better things.
I’m getting more accustomed to my job and I’m starting to enjoy it. That being said, the people who I work with aren’t so great. They all seem to be out to get one another and look for others to make mistakes. Once someone makes a mistake the managers will get a screen shot or email of the mistake.
I dunno…maybe I’m a little sensitive. But, I feel that people are always going to make mistakes and that, instead of pointing out everyone else’s imperfections, one should take it up privately with the other person and help to correct the mistake. However, it seems to be a never-ending cycle in my workplace. One person rats out another and that other person becomes vindictive and does the same to another person. I refuse to take part in that kind of behavior.
*SIGH*…Anyway, I have been doing a lot better. At least, I feel like I’m doing a lot better. I have never gotten back on my medications or gone back to see my therapist. I’m great at my job and I even have another–more promising–job offer with a very well known company. I hope that I will stay ok… However, part of me feels like I must be in a hypomanic state and that I will probably end up crashing in a few months. We’ll see… I can never seem to commit to getting help for my depression.
Moving on…someone asked me what it was like in the psych hospital. hmm… I can only answer from my own experience. But, I will get back to you on that… It feels like a distant memory or a dream. Yet, it was only six months ago. It still feels somewhat surreal and I feel like a new person. I feel like a part of me died off–kind of like the leaves on a tree. I feel new and fresh now. I’m different and I’m happy…
I won’t lie… Adjusting to my new routine has been difficult. Some days I wake up not wanting to go into work. Then I go and I find that the time is passing by quickly and that I’m actually enjoying it. So yeah…I’m adjusting.
In other news, I’ve started taking my medicine regularly again. It took an almost mini-meltdown at work to whip me back into shape. That being said, I haven’t made appointments to see my therapist or psychologist yet. I know that I keep saying that I plan on it. But, I really mean it this time.
Having this new job has helped me to realize that people like me. (I sound like Jack Handy from SNL…”I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!).
Up until now, I thought that I had lost my spark–my pizazz. These past 4 or 5 years, I have been somewhat of a hermit. I felt very…unlikeable. Now, I realize that I never really gave anyone a chance to get to know me or even approach me. It surprises me that so many people laugh at my dumb jokes and want to hang out with me outside of work. I’m taking my defenses down and letting people in.
It’s a wonderful thing.
I’ve learned so much and that is why I need to get back into therapy. I don’t think I would have gotten to this point so quickly or even at all without having help.
I feel like fear is waiting for me around every corner.
I started taking my medications again. They haven’t started working there way all through my system yet. I am still having the worst mood swings and the stress from working is just adding to all of that. I know that this is life. But, I worry that I can’t handle the simple things that other people can. I feel so helpless and I feel like I can’t do anything. My mind is like jello and everything seems so difficult. I’m not cut out for all of this. Life is too complicated and I don’t understand anything. I don’t understand the meaning of all of this.
That being said, I am worlds away from where I was a few months ago. It’s just that reality has set in. I am going to be bound to a routine and will have more responsibilities. It’s so hard to accept it. Part of me is finding it difficult to grow up and take on more responsibilities. But,I have always done what has needed to be done. I am just overwhelmed. I thought I was ready to move on to a new job. But, I am scared now. I think that I may have taken it on too quickly. I don’t know if I’m ready and it scares me. These changes are scaring me. I get so much anxiety thinking about it. But, I won’t give up. I will give it some time. They say it takes 3 weeks to get into a new routine, so I will keep pushing on for another month at least, before I make any rash decisions.
So, to recap… I’m taking my medication again, I’m gonna stick with my job a little while longer and I still haven’t seen my therapist in weeks. I will make an appointment tomorrow. That’s a promise.
Moving on…
I need to break my cigarette addiction. I started smoking a lot when I was in the hospital and later after I got out. I had the worst anxiety attacks and I would smoke a pack a day–sometimes more. Well, I am addicted to smoking now. There, I said it. I know I shouldn’t smoke. They have a free workshop on the base for people who want to quit smoking. But, I haven’t signed up. Part of me doesn’t want to get rid of the addiction, because it’s like a security blanket.
I have a problem with addiction. One summer, I learned everything I could about web design and I used to design web pages for people. Now, I have no interest in opening up my notepad, my photoshop, or doing any of that stuff. Another time, I became addicted to Texas hold-em. I learned everything I could about the game for a month and practiced online. Then, I entered a tournament with about 230~ people, got to the final table, and placed 6th. Suddenly, I wasn’t interested in Poker anymore. I get addicted to little things, big things, and then abandon them. I am constantly looking for challenges, but the second I become good at it and can’t be #1…I quit. With smoking, it’s not so easy. I really don’t know what to do about it. I like this addiction. It gives me something to do with my hands and it relaxes me. I guess I’ll get over it once I stop making excuses. We’ll see what happens…I have to truly want the change to make the change.
I have a lot more to update about my weekend. But, I’ll probably save that for tomorrow. I have had a really busy past couple of weeks and I need a smoke break. Take Care…
I’ve been very busy this week. It’s been sort of a tough transition for me to go from not working for a full three months to getting up early every morning and having a full day of work. I like my new job; however, I’m hating the reality of it. I’m not sure if that makes any sense. Anyway, I feel like I was sort of cheated and roped into accepting this position. I work a full eight hours and we don’t really have time for breaks. I only get about 10-15 minutes to sit down and quickly eat my lunch. In between that eating, if the phone rings, or someone asks me to do something, I have to do it. I really feel like this is something they should have made more clear to me. It upsets me and I don’t know if I just need to stop complaining and accept it. I feel like I don’t have an understanding of “the real world”… I should get over it and stop complaining…
In other news, I have been so emotional lately. I still haven’t gotten around to taking my medicine or even calling in my prescriptions. So, as I sit and type this, I will call in every single one of my prescriptions. I will have my husband pick them up and then I will force myself to take them. Well, just my luck… The line is busy.
Back to me being emotional… My emotions have been all over the place. At times, suicidal thoughts pop into my head. At other times, like when I’m at work, I am bubbly and I don’t feel like I’m faking it.
I haven’t seen my therapist, psychiatrist, or gotten my thyroid checked out like I’m supposed to. I keep making excuses for myself and I don’t know why. I feel so tired… I’m avoiding phone calls, people, everything… I don’t know what has me so afraid.
I am a fish out of water and I feel like I always will be. I am American by citizenship, yet I have no place to really call my own. I wrote a post earlier called “What is There to Show?” and I feel like that right now. I don’t talk much about my life, because I’ve always been a secretive person and a lot of times people think that I’m bragging when I’m merely stating the facts. I’ve never felt like anyone has ever really been able to understand me even those who have known me for years. Anyway…
My father was a diplomat. My high school years were wonderful. In the course of my high school years, I met two former presidents of the US and many other distinguished visitors. I have a picture of my father shaking hands with one of those presidents in my living room. Upstairs, I have an Elle magazine with my picture in it. Many of my high school friends are children of ambassadors, ceos, and other positions of authority. Well…so what? I don’t think that any of those things are important or make me better than anyone else. In fact, I rarely open up to people about my background, because I don’t want them to get the wrong idea. But, it is a part of my past and therefore it will always be part of my identity.
During my high school years, I was a fish out of water. I don’t mean that in the sense that I didn’t have any friends, but I was always a little different from my friends and peers. I don’t know how my father got the position at the embassy and I will probably never know. He was a military man, without a college degree, working in a career field that one would not normally associate with diplomatics. Nonetheless, we got a phone call one night (not how things are normally done) and within 4-5 months, we moved from this TINY town in the US to one of the biggest countries in the world. It was like a fairy tale.
This move was a huge culture shock. I was used to riding in a beater car, going to school with gang member, in a town with less than 75000 people. All of a sudden, I ended up moving to the ritziest part of one of the biggest cities in the world. I was a fish out of water.
All of that was great and everything…blah blah blah. I excelled in academics and I had so many huge goals. I wanted to change the world. Well…after coming home from my new job today…I came home, cried, and asked myself what there is to show.
I don’t feel like I need money, cars, or any of that to make me happy. In fact, I don’t know what it is that can make me happy. On one hand, I feel like a lot of people expect so much of me. On the other hand, I feel like there are people who don’t expect anything at all from me and assume that I am worthless. (For example, I remember checking out an autobiography at the library once and the librarian told me that I would probably have a difficult time with comprehending it. I was furious! She took one look at me and assumed that I was stupid!)
I just don’t know what the point is. Days like today, I feel like life is so pointless. I will work hard for the rest of my life and die. I can’t see the point.
Of course, I don’t want to feel this way. However, it is so difficult. I feel so drained after 3 days of working and pretending to be chipper and attentive.
I am so drained.
I thrive on change. Yet, I don’t know how to deal with it. Every 2-5 years, I experience huge changes and I always have. I don’t know what it’s like to settle in one place. I don’t know what it’s like NOT to have a hometown. I feel like I am always guarding myself and hiding pieces of myself from others. I don’t feel like I can be myself and it’s becoming more difficult for me.
I feel like I can’t speak with my friends from high school, because they don’t understand what it’s like to live the lifestyle that I do now. Maybe…I am just assuming that they won’t understand. Who am I kidding? I don’t even understand.
I don’t understand this American lifestyle. Yet, if I go anywhere else, I will always be an expatriate. I don’t fit in and it’s difficult.
I feel so hopeless right now. I have too much on my mind to make this post meld into something coherent. I don’t even remember what my point was when I initially started writing.
I am a fish out of water. I feel like nobody understands. I am depressed. I don’t understand why I live. I don’t understand my purpose. *Sigh*…..
Tomorrow is my first full day at work. It’s late and I know I should already be in bed; but, I keep putting it off. I feel like if I keep putting it off, tomorrow might not come and I won’t have to go to work. I want to put this off so that I don’t have to go through another cycle of change.
I’ve gotten so used to sitting in the house day in and day out. But, I know, it’s been killing me inside to sit here and do nothing. I need some human interaction and I need to feel like I have a purpose–like I’m doing something. I so scared.
I still haven’t taken my medication. Well, let me rephrase that a bit… I have 6 prescriptions that I need to pick up. It’s a rather simple process. I call in my prescriptions, get in my car, pick my prescriptions up, and take my medicine. I still feel stuck and I feel like I can’t do it. How am I going to work when I can’t do something so simple? I know that part of the reason that I’m feeling this way is because it’s been almost 2 weeks since I took any of my medicine. Has it been that long? I don’t even know. I’ve lost track of time and I dread becoming a slave to the routine of taking my medication.
This seems to happen to me anytime I start taking any kind of prescription. I sort of rebel inside. I don’t want to have to take any medication! I have this weird set of criteria in my head also. I can only take an even numbers of pills. If my pills add up to an odd number, I simply stop taking one of the pills. I know it’s crazy, but I can’t help it. It feels unlucky and despite any logic, I give in to my stupid rules.
Back to the job….
I’m so scared about tomorrow. I am so scared that this job will be like my last. I am afraid that I will hate my job and be unhappy with it. My last job was horrendous. To say that I was micromanaged would be putting it lightly and I already have issues with perfection. I want to do everything perfectly. With my last job, every little thing was subject to scrutiny. We had daily, weekly, and monthly reports and reviews. I did very well with these reviews. We got graded on our performance. For 5 months straight I kept my average at 98%. It wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want anything less than perfect. It started taking a toll on me. I stopped enjoying my job and every task became harder and more stressful. I just don’t want that to happen again. I want to be able to enjoy my new job.
That being said, I do believe that God put me on this path for a reason. Without that horrendous job, I may not have gotten the help that I needed. I have put my trust in God that He will continue to take care of me and prepare me for whatever it is that my future holds.
I am so happy to be able to tell people that I have found God in my life. He has led me from a life of recklessness and sin. I used to turn to other things in my life to make me feel happy. I thought that being reckless and sinful would allow me to have more fun and be free and happy with my life. During those moments I did feel a sense of satisfaction, but it did not last. It’s like a person who is addicted to drugs. The euphoria lasts for a bit and then the reality sets in. Once I found God, I realized that all of those missing puzzle pieces were at my disposal. I didn’t need all of those other things to feel that peace inside of myself. I don’t need alcohol, sex, drugs, or anything else to help me through the good or bad moments.
Sometimes, I still find it hard not to give into temptation or look for the easy way out. I get depressed and think about suicide or self medicating and then I have to remember to stop being so selfish. I have to remind myself to be patient and trust. I know that everything happens In His Time. I just have to remind myself sometimes…
Anyway…I am about to head to bed now! Wish me luck with my first day of work tomorrow!!!!!
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