Wish Me Luck!

Tomorrow is my first full day at work. It’s late and I know I should already be in bed; but, I keep putting it off. I feel like if I keep putting it off, tomorrow might not come and I won’t have to go to work. I want to put this off so that I don’t have to go through another cycle of change.

I’ve gotten so used to sitting in the house day in and day out. But, I know, it’s been killing me inside to sit here and do nothing. I need some human interaction and I need to feel like I have a purpose–like I’m doing something. I so scared.

I still haven’t taken my medication. Well, let me rephrase that a bit… I have 6 prescriptions that I need to pick up. It’s a rather simple process. I call in my prescriptions, get in my car, pick my prescriptions up, and take my medicine. I still feel stuck and I feel like I can’t do it. How am I going to work when I can’t do something so simple? I know that part of the reason that I’m feeling this way is because it’s been almost 2 weeks since I took any of my medicine. Has it been that long? I don’t even know. I’ve lost track of time and I dread becoming a slave to the routine of taking my medication.

This seems to happen to me anytime I start taking any kind of prescription. I sort of rebel inside. I don’t want to have to take any medication! I have this weird set of criteria in my head also. I can only take an even numbers of pills. If my pills add up to an odd number, I simply stop taking one of the pills. I know it’s crazy, but I can’t help it. It feels unlucky and despite any logic, I give in to my stupid rules.

Back to the job….

I’m so scared about tomorrow. I am so scared that this job will be like my last. I am afraid that I will hate my job and be unhappy with it. My last job was horrendous. To say that I was micromanaged would be putting it lightly and I already have issues with perfection. I want to do everything perfectly. With my last job, every little thing was subject to scrutiny. We had daily, weekly, and monthly reports and reviews. I did very well with these reviews. We got graded on our performance. For 5 months straight I kept my average at 98%. It wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want anything less than perfect. It started taking a toll on me. I stopped enjoying my job and every task became harder and more stressful. I just don’t want that to happen again. I want to be able to enjoy my new job.

That being said, I do believe that God put me on this path for a reason. Without that horrendous job, I may not have gotten the help that I needed. I have put my trust in God that He will continue to take care of me and prepare me for whatever it is that my future holds.

I am so happy to be able to tell people that I have found God in my life. He has led me from a life of recklessness and sin. I used to turn to other things in my life to make me feel happy. I thought that being reckless and sinful would allow me to have more fun and be free and happy with my life. During those moments I did feel a sense of satisfaction, but it did not last. It’s like a person who is addicted to drugs. The euphoria lasts for a bit and then the reality sets in. Once I found God, I realized that all of those missing puzzle pieces were at my disposal. I didn’t need all of those other things to feel that peace inside of myself. I don’t need alcohol, sex, drugs, or anything else to help me through the good or bad moments.

Sometimes, I still find it hard not to give into temptation or look for the easy way out. I get depressed and think about suicide or self medicating and then I have to remember to stop being so selfish. I have to remind myself to be patient and trust. I know that everything happens In His Time. I just have to remind myself sometimes…

Anyway…I am about to head to bed now! Wish me luck with my first day of work tomorrow!!!!!

-U.M.

Who am I?

Have you ever felt like you were stuck?

That’s how I’m feeling now.  I have been avoiding things and avoiding people.  I am scared and I don’t know why.  I am keeping myself from doing things for no reason.  I am so scared.  I am coming up on a big change that I wasn’t mentally prepared for far enough in advance.

I knew that I landed the job that I wanted.  I found out last week.  Anyway, they did a background check and today I in-processed on the base and got a 2nd ID card.  Little did I know, today was my first day on the job!  It would have been nice if someone had told me that today was my first day on the job.  I have to go in tomorrow morning and I found out that I’m starting my first, full week on Monday!

I feel stuck.  I mean, I know I’m not, but I want to run away and hide right about now.  I thought I would just say my oath, fill out some paperwork, and be out of there.  I haven’t even gone through the training courses (which don’t start for another month) and they want me there for a full week starting Monday!

I’m a little disappointed.  My husband’s grandmother is turning 89 next month and they are having a huge family reunion in a couple of weeks.  I really wanted to attend the reunion and thought that I would be able to.  I’m scared.  It’s been almost 3 months since I got out of the hospital and quit my other job.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle it and that I’ll get burnt out.  I thought that with the background check and everything the military, certainly, wouldn’t want me working for them.  I didn’t think I’d get the job.  I feel like everything is moving too quickly.  I didn’t realize that I’d be starting work so soon.

On another note, I have been so ill these past couple of weeks.  It’s been hard for me to stand up without feeling like I was about to faint, I couldn’t hold any food down, and I had the worst nausea.  I found at that the symptoms may be stemming from a thyroid condition, so we will see.  I’ve had these same symptoms for three years now and the cause of my symptoms is still a mystery.  I’m tired of tests, scopes, and ultrasounds.  I hope that I can get some more answers, because my symptoms are getting worse every month.

That’s about it for now…  I’ve been avoiding therapy and I have been too lazy to refill my prescriptions.  I need to get my prescriptions!  But, I feel so stuck.  I hope that I don’t spiral back down.  I can’t help but think that I am bringing more harm to myself and loved ones.  I am avoiding everything and everyone and I am bringing harm to myself.  I need to get my act together.  I don’t even feel like myself.  I feel like a different person.