I feel cheated…

I’ve been very busy this week. It’s been sort of a tough transition for me to go from not working for a full three months to getting up early every morning and having a full day of work. I like my new job; however, I’m hating the reality of it. I’m not sure if that makes any sense. Anyway, I feel like I was sort of cheated and roped into accepting this position. I work a full eight hours and we don’t really have time for breaks.  I only get about 10-15 minutes to sit down and quickly eat my lunch. In between that eating, if the phone rings, or someone asks me to do something, I have to do it. I really feel like this is something they should have made more clear to me. It upsets me and I don’t know if I just need to stop complaining and accept it.  I feel like I don’t have an understanding of “the real world”…  I should get over it and stop complaining…

In other news, I have been so emotional lately. I still haven’t gotten around to taking my medicine or even calling in my prescriptions. So, as I sit and type this, I will call in every single one of my prescriptions. I will have my husband pick them up and then I will force myself to take them. Well, just my luck… The line is busy.

Back to me being emotional… My emotions have been all over the place. At times, suicidal thoughts pop into my head. At other times, like when I’m at work, I am bubbly and I don’t feel like I’m faking it.

I haven’t seen my therapist, psychiatrist, or gotten my thyroid checked out like I’m supposed to. I keep making excuses for myself and I don’t know why. I feel so tired… I’m avoiding phone calls, people, everything… I don’t know what has me so afraid.

Who am I?

Have you ever felt like you were stuck?

That’s how I’m feeling now.  I have been avoiding things and avoiding people.  I am scared and I don’t know why.  I am keeping myself from doing things for no reason.  I am so scared.  I am coming up on a big change that I wasn’t mentally prepared for far enough in advance.

I knew that I landed the job that I wanted.  I found out last week.  Anyway, they did a background check and today I in-processed on the base and got a 2nd ID card.  Little did I know, today was my first day on the job!  It would have been nice if someone had told me that today was my first day on the job.  I have to go in tomorrow morning and I found out that I’m starting my first, full week on Monday!

I feel stuck.  I mean, I know I’m not, but I want to run away and hide right about now.  I thought I would just say my oath, fill out some paperwork, and be out of there.  I haven’t even gone through the training courses (which don’t start for another month) and they want me there for a full week starting Monday!

I’m a little disappointed.  My husband’s grandmother is turning 89 next month and they are having a huge family reunion in a couple of weeks.  I really wanted to attend the reunion and thought that I would be able to.  I’m scared.  It’s been almost 3 months since I got out of the hospital and quit my other job.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle it and that I’ll get burnt out.  I thought that with the background check and everything the military, certainly, wouldn’t want me working for them.  I didn’t think I’d get the job.  I feel like everything is moving too quickly.  I didn’t realize that I’d be starting work so soon.

On another note, I have been so ill these past couple of weeks.  It’s been hard for me to stand up without feeling like I was about to faint, I couldn’t hold any food down, and I had the worst nausea.  I found at that the symptoms may be stemming from a thyroid condition, so we will see.  I’ve had these same symptoms for three years now and the cause of my symptoms is still a mystery.  I’m tired of tests, scopes, and ultrasounds.  I hope that I can get some more answers, because my symptoms are getting worse every month.

That’s about it for now…  I’ve been avoiding therapy and I have been too lazy to refill my prescriptions.  I need to get my prescriptions!  But, I feel so stuck.  I hope that I don’t spiral back down.  I can’t help but think that I am bringing more harm to myself and loved ones.  I am avoiding everything and everyone and I am bringing harm to myself.  I need to get my act together.  I don’t even feel like myself.  I feel like a different person.

Another cycle of change

It’s 3.45 am and I’m anxious. I have a job interview in about seven hours. I don’t know why I’m nervous. I always do really well with interviews and I applied less than a week ago. I’m pretty sure I’ll get the job. But, I dunno.

I had a really good job opportunity come up a few months ago and the woman doing the hiring keeps putting me off. She saw my husband on Sunday and told him to be looking out for a phone call this week. It’s almost business hours, Wednesday, for them. I wonder if I’ll get the call. I really hope I do. Both jobs are good, but I’d really like to hear from her. We’ll see.

Therapy wasn’t so great this week. I read her a few of my posts again, but it didn’t seem to help. I’m feeling much better. I think that’s part of the reason. When I was really depressed, it helped to get out all of those negative emotions. The same issues are still present but, I’ve seemed to have buried them for the time being and I wonder when my next cycle of depression will hit.

In other news, my mother-in-law is coming down in a few days. I’m so excited about driving to the airport and showing her our first home. I love her. I think that I’m getting too much excitement in one week!

I had bronchitis all last week and it was horrendous. I was so tired and I could barely breaths. Good news though, I’ve been cleared to start procreating. So, I am very excited about the prospect of starting a family. I hope I don’t get to obsessed with it though.

That’s all. Just a happy post from a happy camper–nothing insightful. Take care…

The Sky is Starting to Open Up ♥

I’m starting to feel a lot better these days. My doctor increased the dosage of my medication and I’m starting to see the effects on my mood.

So often when I was depressed, thoughts of suicide would pop into my mind. But, I knew it was my depression that was making me feel that way and not my destiny. My faith in Christ and my past experiences with depression, left me with a sense of hope. I knew that things would get better.

I still haven’t gone back to work. I still have a messy laundry room. I still have few friends that I can open up to. But, I have hope for better things. I am a better person after getting out of the hospital and I have found a new path in life.

This month has brought about many changes in my outlook on life and my lifestyle. It was only a few months ago, that I was working long hours at a job that I hated. I lived a very sinful lifestyle and didn’t think much about God or my future. It seems so trite. Many times people reach out to God in times of trouble. I have been dealing with my mental illness for a little over 11 years now. I never reached out to God during those times. I thought, “How can I be sure that God loves me when I feel this way. Shouldn’t he be pulling me out of this depression and blessing me with great things such as money and happiness?”

That kind of thinking acts as a toxin. It did in my case, at least. I’ve learned that there will be many dark times. It’s not God’s way of punishing me or abandoning me, but we all have a path that he has ordained for each and every one of us and there will be times when we don’t understand.

I quit my job, went to the psychiatric hospital, and changed my lifestyle all in one month. At first, I felt a new zest for life. I adopted positive thinking and even with all of that positive thinking, I fell into a deep depression. The sun would shine brightly yet, I felt encompassed in darkness.

Things are starting to look up. I feel happier and motivated. My husband, who is in the military, is thinking about training for a new career field. I feel like good things are about to start happening in our lives. We may not become richer, but we will be happier.

For once, I have the desire to start a family. I grew up in a very critical environment and my parents were not the most nurturing. I always had the fear in the back of my mind that I would treat my children the same way that I was treated. I rejected the idea of starting a family. I rejected the idea of nurturing someone else and shaping them with my beliefs and world view.

I am loving life right now. I am loving my life. Even though I am still jobless and tight for money, I am loving my life.

I am loving my life.